If Only I Could Tell Read online

  “Funny, Leo, very funny.”

  “No, but seriously, you are beautiful and I hope that you know that.”

  “Thank you, Leo. I am gaining an appreciation for who I am.”

  Leo reached over and took Trisha’s hand in his and said, “So, Ms. Trisha, since we are taking our time getting to know each other, can we consummate this agreement with a kiss?”

  Surprisingly, Trisha was quite composed. Her heart did beat faster and she did have those butterflies again, but she did not want to pass out this time. She held onto his hands and smiled, though she did not make eye contact with him, neither did she let go of his hands. Leo took that as a yes, so he leaned in and placed his finger under Trisha’s chin to lift her face towards his. Trisha’s heart raced, she moved closer toward him and took a deep breath in; she closed her eyes as their faces met, and then it happened. She could smell his minty breath as his lips met hers; his lips were so soft and moist. Trisha released Leo’s hand and wrapped her arms around him as he kissed her ever so sweetly.

  She thought to herself, Let this moment last forever. He held onto her and she held onto him. He is so strong, so manly. Leo embraced her tightly as if it was the last time he would ever kiss her. Trisha was caught up in the moment until she felt the pulsing again; that was enough to snap her back to reality. She opened her eyes and slowly began to back away. Leo continued to kiss her until he felt her moving. He opened his eyes and kissed her hand. Trisha was … well, she was … ah, she felt … uh? She did not have the words to explain what she was feeling.

  She took a breath, and said, “I …” as she bit her bottom lip, “I think that I’d better get going.”

  Leo stared at her hungrily and said, “Yes, I think you had better go too, Ms. Trisha.” He kissed her again and said, “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  Trisha nodded and said, “Yes, you can see me tomorrow, Leo.”

  “Okay.” He kissed her. “I will see you,” he kissed her again, “tomorrow,” and he kissed her a third time.

  “Okay,” Trisha said, and she reached for the door handle behind her.

  She slipped out of the car and he watched as she disappeared into the house. Trisha headed straight into her room, as dinnertime had passed. Who needs dinner anyway after that helping of Leo? Trisha thought. She was not hungry anyway. She was feeling some other sort of way. She needed to talk to Eve. Trisha had bought herself a cell phone some weeks back and the only number listed was Eve’s. So she checked on the kids and she climbed into bed. She pulled out her cell phone and was about to call Eve when she realized that she was not sure if Mom was asleep and she did not want to chance Mom overhearing what she was about to tell Eve. So Trisha decided to text Eve instead. She set the phone to vibrate and she sent the first text.

  “Hi, Eve, it’s Trisha, are you awake, and if so can you talk?” A few seconds later Trisha’s phone vibrates.

  “Hey Trisha, what’s up, girl? Yes, I am awake. What’s on your mind?”

  Trisha wrote, “I meant to call you the other day because I wanted to fill you in on what’s been happening with me lately.”

  “I am all ears, girl.”

  “Okay, so you know that I am working at the restaurant, and Leo has been in constantly ever since he found out that I’ve been working there. He comes in every day and he’s been asking me to go out with him every time he comes in.”

  Eve wrote, “Go on.”

  “So I said no to every request he’s made, right, and then girl, he bought me a single rose every day for about a month. Everyone at the restaurant was all up in my business, telling me that I should give him a chance.”

  “And …,” Eve wrote.

  “Well, I finally caved, and I went to coffee with him.”

  “How was it?”

  “Well, at first I was a bit uncomfortable because you know that I have never gone out with anyone. I was not sure if he would find me interesting.”

  “And did he?”

  “Yes, we talked for a while and he wanted to know all about me and what were my goals and things like that. He even has a funny sense of humor. So the date was nice and he dropped me home.”

  “Any monkey business?” Eve asked.

  “No, he was the perfect gentleman. I gave a time and he stuck to it. Well, the next day he came in, and, girl he looked so delicious, that I did not know how to act.”

  “What do you mean, Trisha?”

  “Girl, I started sweating, my heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to run and wash my face and I drink nearly a half-gallon of water.”

  “All of that happened just at the sight of him?” Eve asked.

  “Yes, girl, and I do not know why.”

  “Hmm, very interesting, Trisha. Wo what happened next?”

  “Well, I wanted to call you but I was in the middle of my shift, so I couldn’t. I decided to give myself a pep talk and pull it together.”

  “What did you say to yourself?” Eve asked.

  “Girl, I can’t remember now, but I was okay until I went back to his table and he started to flirt with me.”

  “Flirt with you? What did he say?”

  “I can’t remember everything right now, but that is not the point I’m trying to make. As he was flirting, girl, I got this pulsing sensation ‘down there’.”

  “Down where?”

  “Down there, in the va-jay-jay.”

  “What, are you serious? Lol, lol.”

  “I am dead serious. I had to squeeze my legs together so tightly it looked like I needed to pee.”

  “Did Leo notice?”

  “Well, he did ask me if I was ok because I looked faint.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said that I was just tired, I think. Anyway, he asked me out again and I said no, and then he got Tony, my manager involved and they convinced me, so we went out again.

  “How was that date?”

  “Girl, awesome, but before I tell you about the latest date, tell me what you think is going on with my body. Why do I react that way when I see Leo?”

  “smh, lmbo.”

  “Why are you shaking your head and laughing your butt off at me, Eve?”

  “Trisha, you are as green as the hulk, girl?”

  “What do you mean, Eve?”

  “Trisha, you were experiencing a chemical reaction.”

  “Huh?”

  “Girl, you were ‘turned on’.”

  “You mean sexually?”

  “Is there something else? Yes, sexually; you were sexually aroused by him because you find him attractive.”

  “Oh, well that’s embarrassing.”

  “There is nothing to be embarrassed about; it is a natural chemical reaction that takes place at some time or another. It just means that your body is sexually aware. Did you do anything that I need to know about? Is your hymen still intact?”

  “Yes, my hymen is still intact. I am not that foolish.”

  “Hey, Leo is a smooth guy. I have to make sure that you are sure about the decisions you make from now on. Is there anything else?”

  “Yes, so tonight he picked me up after work, and we had some ice cream and we went for a drive. We sat and talked for a while and he asked if he could kiss me.”

  “And did you do it?”

  “Well, yeah, I did it.”

  “Omg, how was it, did he slobber all over your face?”

  “No, gross. No, it was magical, girl, there were fireworks going off in my head. His lips were so soft and sweet, I could have kissed him forever.”

  “Oh wow, I am so jealous right now. Continue.”

  “Well, that’s just it, I started to feel those feelings again so I stopped kissing him. I wasn’t sure what was happening so I erred on the side of caution and stopped.”

  �
��Good for you, Trisha, I am proud of you.”

  “Really, you think I did the right thing?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “So what now?”

  “That is totally up to you. Where do you see this going? You need to take into consideration that Leo is a bit older than you, and I am sure that he is not a virgin, if you get my drift. You need to decide in your mind which direction you want to go with this.”

  “Eve, why do you complicate everything? I do not know yet. We have only been out a few times.”

  “Trisha, I am here to ask the tough questions. Whatever it is that you want, you must make sure that Leo understands it clearly. Do not rush into anything and do not allow him to persuade you to do anything that you are not entirely comfortable with. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes, Mother.”

  “Funny. If you want to have a little fun and explore your options, then articulate that to Leo. Men can be very particular when it comes to certain things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, that is a topic for another day, it’s late and we both have to get up early in the morning, so let’s continue this conversation tomorrow, okay, girlfriend?”

  “Okay, Eve. Thanks for hearing me out.”

  “Xoxo”

  “Love you too, good night.”

  Trisha erased all of the messages and placed the phone in her handbag. She got back into bed and reviewed her last date with Leo. He is amazing, she said to herself. She replayed all of those kisses in her mind, she could feel them and finally she understood what her body was doing. Thank God for Eve. I would be so lost without her. She remembered what Eve had said, “It is just your body’s way of letting you know that it is sexually aware.” Trisha thought about it for a while, My body is or maybe ready for a sexual encounter, but the rest of me is not; now that I know that much I have to be careful not to allow what my body feels to dictate my behavior. I must learn to control my emotions and to keep my body in check. I cannot allow me getting to know Leo to turn into something that I am not mentally and emotionally ready to handle. I am going to enjoy his company, and I am going to learn from him. I will not be rushed or forced into anything that I am not ready for.

  Trisha concluded that, Mom does not know the first thing about this man. She is way off about Leo. He is not a criminal mastermind or a drug dealer, but a gentleman who is caring and concerned for the well-being of others, as well as a successful entrepreneur.

  Mom was way off on her assessment of Leo; however, Trisha wondered why Leo still lived in the same neighborhood when he could clearly afford to move away and live in the upscale Cove Condominiums. She concluded that perhaps he was comfortable there, close to friends, family, and the business.

  Yeah, that had to be the reason; even if it were not the reason, Trisha was happy that Leo was close by because it meant that she could spend more time with him.

  10

  It had been a year since her first date with Leo and theirs was a whirlwind of a relationship. Leo did everything in his power to convince Trisha that he was the one for her. Trisha enjoyed being spoiled by Leo. Over the course of the year, he had showered Trisha with lots of expensive jewelry, electronics, fine dining, and anything that her heart desired. They had seen each other exclusively even though they had agreed to let the relationship progress naturally.

  Today was their first anniversary and Leo told Trisha that he had a wonderful evening planned for them. He’d called her the night before and said, “Hey babe, you know that tomorrow marks one year since you came into my life, and I intend to show you how much you mean to me. I will pick you up at the end of your shift for a night that you will never forget. Okay?”

  “Okay love,” Trisha responded. “I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, I love you.”

  “I love you more.”

  That’s right, they were at that point. Trisha was nineteen and she and Leo were in love, whatever that meant. In Trisha’s mind, it had to be love because of the way they made each other feel. It had been a year and she had not taken the plunge, that is, she was still a virgin, or as Eve put it, she still had her hymen. They had reached this landmark in their relationship, and Trisha was seriously contemplating giving Leo all of her. She had thought about it repeatedly, and she felt like he was the one, or at least the one she could be happy with. The subject of her going to college came up a few times, and Leo was of the opinion that she no longer needed to go, because he was capable of taking good care of her.

  On another occasion, Leo hinted at taking their relationship to the next level, “I am not talking about sex,” he had said; that scared Trisha a little because she was not ready for next level stuff yet. He had even asked her if she would want to have a baby with him once they decided to commit to each other. Trisha had reached a crossroad in her young life. She wanted to go to college and be independent, but she also wanted a life with Leo, and she knew that he could give her the things that she wanted, but she also did not want to make the same mistakes that Mom had made. I need to talk things over with Eve. She is the logical one, she’ll know what to do. Trisha took out the new smart phone that Leo bought for her; it was so shiny and nice.

  “It’s a lot smarter than I am that’s for sure.” She sent a message to Eve.

  “Hey, Eve, are you up? I need to talk.”

  “Hi Trisha, what’s up?”

  “Well, it has been two years since I started at the restaurant, and as you know, I am now in the supervisor’s position. I have saved up quite a bit of money on my humble salary, but it is still far from what I need for even the first year of college. I have not looked into any colleges because I do not want to get my hopes dashed. However, I am still dissatisfied with my status. I want out of this ghetto, but I am not sure if such a move is even plausible at the rate that I am going.”

  “Trisha, all things are possible to them that believe,” Eve said. “From the time I have known you all you wanted to do was get out of here and go to college. What has changed, or should I say who have you allowed to influence your thinking?”

  “Eve, this is not about Leo.”

  “Of course it is, Trisha. Stop beating around the bush and tell me what’s really on your mind.”

  “Okay, fine. He and I have been dating for one year now, and he’s been dropping hints as to the direction he would like our relationship to head in.”

  “Ok, I am listening,” Eve wrote back.

  “Here’s the thing—Leo thinks that I do not need to go to college because he is more than capable of taking care of me. He also thinks that it is time for us to take our relationship to the next level.”

  “What does he mean by next level, Trisha?”

  “Well, I am not exactly sure.”

  “What do you mean you are not sure? Is your hymen still intact?”

  “Yes, Eve, my hymen is intact, but I think that I am ready to break it.”

  “What? Are you serious, Trisha?”

  “Yes, Eve, I think so. I have been thinking about it a lot and I think that I am ready to have sex.”

  “Trisha, let’s back up a bit. I’ve heard you mention several times what Leo wants. What do you want? Is he pressuring you to have sex? Be honest with me.”

  “To the contrary, Eve, he has not pressured me at all. He has been fine with me taking as much time as I need.”

  “Then I do not understand why the rush, Trisha.”

  “I am not rushing, Eve. I am nineteen years old. I think that I’ve done well.”

  “Trisha, I am nineteen as well and I have no intention of having sex until I get married, but we are not talking about me. I want to understand what you are trying to convey.”

  “Thank you, Eve. I really need my friend right now.”

  “I understand. Continue.”

  “Okay, so I am uncertain if I want to pursue college—you get that�
�but I will not make a final decision on that just yet. Right now I want to deal with my relationship with Leo.”

  “I am listening.”

  “The reason I think that I am ready is because we have both waited and it has been a year, like I said. He has not rushed me, and I think that I am also ready to take our relationship to the next level.”

  “Okay, continue.”

  “I have not discussed anything with Leo as yet, but I plan to tell him at dinner that if he is ready to date me exclusively, then I am ready to do the same, and to consummate our agreement I want to have sex with him for being so kind and patient with me. Besides all of that, we have told each other that we love each other.”

  “You have both said the three little words?”

  “Yes, we have.”

  “Okay, is there anything else?”

  “Yes, he wants me to have a baby in the near future.”

  “Whoa, slow it down, sister. A baby? Now that is a whole different topic, Trisha.”

  “I know, I am not ready for children just yet, Eve.”

  “I should hope not, Trisha. Alright, let’s break this down, Trisha. College has always been a dream of yours and I do not believe that you should dismiss it so quickly. I believe that you should look into different avenues to get there, and not just rely on your savings. I also believe that you must consider your situation, look at your life in its entirety, and weigh which is most important to your future, self-sufficiency or becoming someone’s trophy! Next, I believe that you should not rush into any decision where your purity is concerned. I believe that you should first have an open and honest talk with Leo as to his intent about his ‘next level’ comment, you need to know exactly what he means by that. Does he mean to propose to you, or have sex with you? You need clarification.”

  “If Leo means to propose, are you ready to be committed to one person for the rest of your life, and have you considered the implications it will have on Antoine and Talia? If he wants a child with you, are you ready to become a mother? In the event that things do not work out between you two, are you prepared to be a single mother? Can you afford to raise a child on your own? If he is ready to have sex? Are you emotionally prepared to deal with it, are you emotionally and mentally prepared to face the fact that he may have his way with you and then move onto the next unsuspecting young virgin? I know that you guys claim to be in love but these are hard truths, but you have got to be prepared for any situation. Personally, you know that I would want you to go to college, become independent, gain some experience; keep your virginity until you are married and then have a baby or two, but I am not you. You have to make these decisions for yourself. Whatever you decide, I will be here to support you.”