If Only I Could Tell Page 5

  At this point, there was no telling Mom, because Mom would undoubtedly say that she meant not to speak up because she was trying to be a woman, and that would most definitely result in a beating or worse, Mom kicking her out onto the streets. The thought of Mom not believing her was one thing, but to be thrown out of her home, as humble as it was, that was a possible reality that Trisha was not prepared to deal with.

  Mom’s beatings did not faze Trisha anymore anyway, because she was numb on the inside. Between Harry’s actions and Mom’s inaction, Trisha felt like one who was living, yet dead. She was on her own, yet somehow she needed a plan of action to help her deal with all that was taking place in her life. She thought to herself, No person my age should have this much to deal with at this point in their lives. The things that should occupy our time should be fun things like friends, fashion, food, social events, girlfriends, and boyfriends.

  Summer having ended, the stress of Trisha’s environment began to reflect on her schoolwork. She could not concentrate in class long enough to grasp certain concepts; therefore, her results started to decline. Literature was one of Trisha’s favorite subjects. She just loved poetry and Shakespeare. The literary world was one that she could escape to. She was a believer in happily ever after. A world where one could determine one’s own destiny was very attractive to Trisha. Sadly, though, she lived in a world where evil seemed to prevail, and the maiden never gets rescued by the handsome prince.

  Naturally, her teachers assumed that some boy was the reason for the decline in her grades; and they were right. It was some boy alright! A boy that was the only father she had ever known. Other teachers noted how especially withdrawn Trisha had become, but offered little help. Mr. Johnson, the senior master, pulled Trisha aside one day and said to her that if she ever needed to talk, that she could confide in him. Trisha’s sunny disposition was tainted with distrust, and she wondered why would he offer to listen to her. Was there something that he wanted in return as Mom’s advice replayed in her mind.

  “I appreciate the offer, Mr. Johnson,” Trisha said, “but everything is fine, thank you.”

  Everything was not fine, and Mrs. Ingraham, Trisha’s civics teacher said to her, “There are guidance counselors on staff if you need to talk about something, Trisha, it’s not good to keep things bottled up on the inside.”

  “Yes ma’am, thank you, but everything is fine,” Trisha responded. Ha! Now that was a joke, Trisha thought, My counselor needs counseling himself because he’s a barely functional alcoholic. What advice could he possibly give me? No, thank you!

  Surely if she could see that Counselor Cash needed help, then the principal could see it too. There he was stumbling into work every day, eyes bloodshot and breath reeking of last night’s gin and tonic, Harry’s favorite drink. No, what could he possibly tell her? Even at her age, Trisha knew that the answers to life’s problems were not found at the bottom of a shot glass, wine glass, or beer mug. Neither was it found in any form of drug, prescription or otherwise. She knew where it was not found, but she was not exactly sure where the answers were found. She felt that talking about it would help, but who was she to confide in? Well, that was a mystery.

  Trisha’s homeroom teacher was an older lady named Mrs. Knowles. She was a stern woman who did not smile much, but somehow still seemed to draw students in. She wore tennis shoes with all of her outfits, whether pants or skirts, probably because she was older and did not want to run the risk of falling and breaking a hip. Mrs. Knowles imposed punishments on her students who were late to class; a pinch on the arm from her would cause temporary paralysis. Trisha knew this because she was the lucky recipient on two occasions.

  Every morning, Mrs. Knowles led in morning devotions. She shared Scripture readings and an exhortation. Trisha and her siblings went to church every Sunday, yet Mrs. Knowles’s exhortation made more sense to her. Mrs. Knowles would make the class memorize passages of Scripture such as the twenty-third Psalm, and whoever failed to memorize the assigned Scripture for that week would have to stay in at break or lunch time to write it until they learned it. Again, Trisha spent many break and lunch times in class writing Scriptures.

  One morning, as Trisha was in class writing her Scriptures, she took note of a small group of students gathered around Mrs. Knowles’s desk. What could they have possibly done to be punished by sitting so close to her, she wondered. However, upon closer observation, Trisha noticed that they did not look sad. In fact, she could have sworn that she saw a little sparkle in their eyes as they listened to Mrs. Knowles. Trisha paid further attention and noticed that they were all reading Scriptures, and at the end of the reading, Mrs. Knowles explained what the passages meant. Trisha found herself on a couple of occasions listening to Mrs. Knowles instead of writing her own Scriptures. Mrs. Knowles also took note of Trisha’s listening in, but she did not scold her or tell her to get on with what she was supposed to be doing.

  At the end of break, the students began to make their way out of the class, and as Trisha was heading to the door, Mrs. Knowles called to her and said, “I noticed that you seemed intrigued about the group of students who gathered around my desk. They are members of the S.C.M.”

  “What is S.C.M.?” Trisha asked.

  Mrs. Knowles explained, “S.C.M. stands for Student Christian Movement. We get together to learn more about Jesus, and the life he lived, and about the way that he expects us to live with each other.”

  Trisha raised an eyebrow and said, “I’m not a Christian.”

  “You don’t have to be,” Mrs. Knowles returned. “As I said, we meet every break time to go through Scriptures and learn about Jesus. You are free to join us at any time.”

  Trisha smiled and nodded her head as she headed out the door to her next class. Student Christian Movement, Trisha said in her mind, I wonder if Jesus knows about what Harry is doing to me.

  In bed that night, Trisha held the paper with the Scriptures she had written that day. She needed to memorize them for devotions in the morning or Mrs. Knowles would detain her in class at break time. She had read a line a couple of times and then she would close her eyes and try to repeat what she had read. Psalm 1:1, “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord.” Trisha had no idea what that Scripture meant, it was like learning a foreign language. She was actually looking forward to asking Mrs. Knowles to explain it to her. She repeated it over and over a couple of times to make it stick. At times, it was easy, and then her mind strayed and she forgot what she had said. It was late; Mom and the kids were fast asleep. Of course, Harry was not home yet; and just like that, she heard the keys in the door.

  Trisha needed a plan and quickly if she was to thwart Harry’s evil scheme that night. Too long had she been the victim. Enough was enough. She was in no mood for any mess that night. She had grown weary of Harry’s tactic of staying out until everyone was asleep so that he could feel her up in the dead of night. Trisha knew that if anyone was going to stop Harry, it would have to be her. No longer was she going to let fear control her. She knew that she needed to do something and fast, but what was it? Think Trisha, think quickly, she said to herself. Trisha shrugged her little sister, there was no response. Good, she is dead weight. Trisha quickly but carefully changed places with her. Trisha pulled her sister to the front of the bed and she rolled on over to the back.

  She could hear Harry whistling and that was a good thing, because it meant that he was totally wasted, which meant that he would fall asleep quickly. Trisha got as close to the wall as she possibly could, and lay on her stomach with her arms underneath her body. In that position, her boobs and her vagina were out of Harry’s fondling reach. She turned her face to the wall and pretended to be asleep. Harry stumbled into the room singing a melody to himself, and sure enough, he came to the bed and realized that Trisha was
out of reach. He stood there for a few moments seemingly puzzled, and then he turned and went into his room. Trisha sighed a sigh of relief, she could not believe that that had actually worked. She stayed in that position for a good while, and then she heard the magic. Never before was she so happy to hear his obnoxious snores. Harry was out like a light and his snores were evidence of that. Trisha gently rolled her sister back to the back of the bed, and she came back to the front. Understandably pleased with herself, Trisha knew that when Harry drank like that, it would be daylight before he got up. She said her prayer, and went to sleep.

  5

  Trisha arose refreshed the next morning. It had been a long while since she had had a good night’s rest. She woke the kids up and got them ready for school. She made their breakfast, and as they ate, she got dressed. Thankfully, Harry left for work way before they got up, so she did not have to see him in the mornings. Mom was also gone. Trisha was so pleased with herself that she kept replaying her move repeatedly in her mind. She could not believe that she had outwitted Harry. Consequently, Harry was back to his especially mean self again, and Trisha could not be happier. Her plan had been working flawlessly. Harry was not able to touch her for weeks. When he offered to take her with him and the kids for the Sunday afternoon ice cream ride, she respectfully declined, noting that she had homework. Mom allowed her to stay behind because homework was important. Trisha was thrilled with herself. Her grades started to rebound and she was feeling proud about outsmarting Harry.

  It was time to think about her future and what she intended to do after graduation. In that area, however, she was drawing a blank. Trisha had never thought about her future before, because her life was always so busy with chores, the kids, worrying about Mom, having to deal with Harry, and her insecurities. She had never really imagined a life outside of what her present conditions dictated. She wanted a life outside of where she grew up, outside of not having enough food, clothes, suitable living conditions, outside of not knowing what traveling was like, outside of fear, worries, and doubts. Trisha was sure that it was time for a new perspective. She figured that if she was going to do something that was seemingly an impossibility, then it meant that she was going to have to do things that would stretch her and take her outside of her comfort zone. So, the very next morning, Trisha decided to visit Mrs. Knowles’s room for S.C.M. at break time.

  She went consistently for many weeks. Trisha felt different about herself; she felt hopeful for the first time in a very long time that anything was possible if she believed and worked diligently towards her goals. Trisha enjoyed learning about Jesus and heaven and the wonderful life a person could have if they had him. Trisha desired a wonderful life, she wanted the happily ever after, she wanted to be able to take care of herself and help with Antoine and Talia, but she needed direction. She decided to keep going to the S.C.M gatherings to find out how knowing Jesus would help her get a better life.

  As time passed, Trisha and Mrs. Knowles grew close and Trisha looked forward to S.C.M. each day. She learned about the Ten Commandments, and about wisdom in the book of Proverbs; she learned about the apostles in the book of Acts and it was all very fascinating to her. When she went to Sunday school, she was able to answer the questions that the Sunday school teacher asked, and that made her feel good about herself. She found that the knowledge that she gained from S.C.M, helped her to understand the information in her religious studies class. Reading the Scriptures also helped with her vocabulary, grammar, and comprehension. Trisha did not want to admit to herself that her personal life was growing, she was maturing, and that was a good feeling. Maybe there was something to this S.C.M. thing after all.

  The students did not tease her anymore, because they feared her connection with Angelina. However, Trisha now realized that she did not even need the connection because she was alright with who she was. It was just too bad if the rest of the student body found her to be weird, she was fine with who she was. Besides, what was life without a little variety. How dull would this world be if we were all alike? I’m glad that they find me to be strange. I like who I am and that is all that matters. I like my black skin and my black lips, and too bad for them if they cannot see past my generic shoes and clothes to the real me. I do not need any superficial friends anyway. I’ll be fine. Perhaps Mom was right when she said that I did not need friends.

  She was doing well in school and looking forward to taking her final exams because Mom noticed a change in her, she gave her leeway to go to the library to study after school, and also to participate in an afterschool sport as long as it did not interfere with her studies. Trisha joined the basketball team, then the track team. Shortly after that she was playing on the softball team, and got the attention of the student body not for being strange, but for becoming a phenomenal athlete. She was suddenly becoming popular based on her own merit. Trisha’s self-confidence began to soar, which had a trickledown effect on every area of her life.

  She was on a high because she knew that Harry could not make her feel bad about herself anymore, but not for a lack of trying. Harry was on her case all the time demeaning her and attacking her self-image, but this time Trisha was able to answer him back in her heart, because she now knew that she was made in the image and likeness of God. She knew that God put care and thought into creating her because the Bible told her that she was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that she was the apple of God’s eyes. There was nothing that Harry could say to change her new perspective of herself. She was beginning to see possibilities other than her current state. She wanted to go to college and she wanted to make something of herself. No one in her family had a college education, but she wanted one. She knew that Mom could never afford to send her, but that did not stop her from desiring it. Trisha believed that if there was a will, then there had to be a way. She was determined to finish her last few months of high school on a high note, and she was not going to allow anyone at any time to discourage her anymore.

  Trisha had turned over a new leaf, and she was more convinced now than ever before that anything was possible. She took stock of her own life. Her circumstances had not changed. Mom was still Mom, Harry was still mean ole Harry, they all still lived in the same old house, in the same old nasty neighborhood, and they still did not have enough of anything. There was absolutely no difference in her surroundings. However, there was an unmistakable difference in the way that she saw herself. She was still Trisha, she still looked the same, she talked the same, she still wore the same old clothes. She, however, noted that she possessed inner strength that she never knew she had; she found inner peace when the world around her remained in disarray; and she realized that she found her voice without ever having to say a word. She now knew what it meant to reject the status quo, to say yes when life said no, to demand more when everyone around said you deserved less. Trisha was coming into her own, and she was no longer afraid to challenge herself to be great.

  Following months of preparation, exam time arrived. Trisha prepared herself, she studied hard every day. She took advantage of the free extra classes. She and Eve went to the library; they made practice test questions and quizzed each other. When she could not meet with Eve, she did it on her own. She stayed up just late enough to give extra time to subject matter that she found challenging. Trisha was confident that all of her hard work and diligence would pay off. Mrs. Knowles gave Trisha extra math lessons because math was not one of her strong points. Nevertheless, she continued to prepare.

  Trisha went into the examination room with optimism. She was a little bit nervous, so she went over all the things that Mrs. Knowles told her prior to the exam.

  She said, “Say a prayer, ask the Lord to bring back to your remembrance all the information that you would have learned concerning each subject. Take a few deep breaths, because feeling nervous is normal. Deep breathing will help to calm you down. Focus on the task; do not concern yourself with what comes next. Deal with one challenge at a time. L
isten attentively to the instructors as well as to the instructions. Read each question twice, do not rush through the papers and do not second-guess yourself. You are smart, you are prepared, you can and you will succeed.”

  Trisha did what she had prepared months in advance to do. She was confident at the end of each exam that she had done her best. The best part about the examinations was that she only came to school when she had a test, and once the test was finished, she was free to leave campus. How awesome was that? Trisha thought. She and Eve completed their studies for the day and decided to go to a neighboring park to sit and have lunch. They sat, ate, and talked about the exams so far. They were both confident that they were doing well. Trisha asked Eve,

  “Eve, what do you want to do once you’re done with high school?”

  Eve thought about it for a minute and responded, “I’ve always wanted to be a doctor, even as a child, I remember taking care of my brothers or my mom when they were not feeling well.”

  “Really?” Trisha responded. “That’s awesome. I think that you would make a fine doctor. I can already see you in your white coat, with your stethoscope around your neck, checking patients’ pulses and heartbeats.”