If Only I Could Tell Read online

“Really? You can see all of that?” Eve asked.

  “Yup.” Trisha responded.

  Eve said, “I have not gotten past giving them an injection in their butts.”

  They both laughed.

  “Eve, you’re so crazy, girl,” said Trisha.

  Eve said, “How about you, Trisha? What do you wish to do after graduation?”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you.”

  “I do not know.”

  “What do you mean you do not know?”

  “I just do not know. I mean I’ve never thought about it.”

  “Why not?”

  “What do you mean why not? I just never thought about it.”

  “Trisha?”

  “What? Eve, we live in the ghetto. We are not rich. There is no trust fund waiting for me when I turn eighteen. It was never in my plans, to be honest.”

  They were both silent for a few minutes, then Eve said, “Well, I do not think that you should not dream about going to college just because you do not have the money right now. Lots of people work and go to school part time and you are no different. Do not sell yourself short, Trisha, you can do anything that you put your mind to.”

  Trisha said, “Thanks, Eve. I know times are different now and we can go to school at any age. People do it all the time. I never saw past where we are until recently. That’s why I had no aspirations of the future, but my perspectives are changing and I know that I want more for myself. I just have not figured out what I want to do. You are a good friend—the best in fact—you always keep me on my toes.

  “Well, somebody has to,” Eve returned. You’re not so bad yourself.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Trisha remarked.

  They laughed again.

  Eve said, “Well, we had better finish up and start making our way home.”

  “Yes, I’m right behind you. It’s been fun, but it’s time to run.”

  “Corny,” Eve said.

  “Whatever.” Trisha returned as she shook her head and rolled her eyes at Eve.

  Trisha headed home. However, when she got there she got the surprise of her life.

  Harry was home.

  Suddenly, a feeling of helplessness overshadowed Trisha. She had been doing so well, and things had been going great for her as well. Her plan had been working flawlessly and now she had no idea how to handle this curve ball. Fear, anxiety, and uncertainty flooded her soul. What was he doing home in the middle of the day? she wondered. Furthermore, what was she going to do now that she was home? Trisha knew that she could not go back out, because Harry would tell Mom some lie and that would mean the end of the freedom Mom had just given her. She knew that she was going to have to face her fear at some point, but she wished that it was later rather than sooner, and not in the middle of her final exams. Nevertheless, Trisha put on a brave face and stepped into the house.

  “Good afternoon,” Trisha said.

  Harry did not respond, so she proceeded to the bedroom to change out of her uniform. She was smart enough to always wear a pair of tights and an under shirt beneath her uniform so that she would never, ever be down to her underwear around Harry. The feeling of helplessness once again handicapped Trisha. She hated feeling like a victim, but in her mind, she was powerless to do anything.

  6

  For the first few days, Harry stayed clear of Trisha. He had nothing to say to her and she had nothing to say to him except the usual greeting when she arrived at home. It turns out that Harry was on a short vacation. Trisha overheard Mom ask him what he intended to do with his free time. He assured her that he was going to do whatever he wanted to and that it was no concern of hers how he spent his free time.

  He is such a jerk, Trisha said in her mind. She knew that he was going to be home but she did not know for how long. The uncertainty was unnerving to her. Still she kept up appearances, not allowing her fears to surface, and tried hard to stay focused on her upcoming exams.

  The following day, once Trisha arrived at home, she did her chores, made a snack, then headed to the kitchen table to study before heading to pick up the kids from kindercare. Harry was already there and in his room watching a classic cowboy movie, one of his favorites, in fact. Trisha had heard it play so many times before that she could practically repeat it verbatim. Trisha was nearing the end of the examination period, and she was quite pleased thus far. Just as she settled in at the table, she heard his voice echo from the bedroom. Her heart began to race, she could feel little beads of sweat form on her upper lip, her mouth suddenly became dry, and her palms pasty.

  She got up from the kitchen table and went to the bedroom door. “Yes sir?” she answered.

  He looked at her with disdain then responded, “Take the five dollars off the dresser and go buy me a loaf of bread from the store.”

  Trisha contemplated her next move. In order to get to the dresser she actually had to come into the room. It’s okay, you’re okay, she said to herself as a means of calming her heart rate. Trisha swallowed hard, opened the door fully and moved toward the dresser, all the while holding her breath. She repeated in her mind, It’s okay, you’re okay, you can do this. She retrieved the money and quickly exited the room.

  She walked very slowly to the store, all the while repeating to herself, You are brave, you are strong, you can do this. It’s okay, you’re okay, you can do this. She was so nervous in the store that the clerk noticed and asked her if she needed assistance. She shook her head and headed to the bread aisle. She bought the bread and headed towards home.

  As she slowly walked towards her home and repeating her mantra, she could not shake the feeling that she was being followed. She looked behind to allay her suspicion, only to see a guy on a bike riding a short distance behind her. Trisha thought to herself, I must be cursed. Every time I turn around there is something for me to deal with. Did I steal the church money or something? I mean really, who in the world could be following me? I’ll tell you one thing, if he thinks that I’m going to roll over and play dead, he has another think coming.

  Trisha decided to walk a little slower to see if the person would ride past her, because she did have an overactive imagination, and she could be totally wrong. The person did not ride past her, so as she continued to walk, she looked along the roadside for a possible weapon to use in the event she ended up having to defend herself. Trisha started again, Oh, this person is crazy, she thought. Well, honey, today is not the day and I am not the one to fool with right now. I will ‘frig’ you up if you mess with me today. I have enough crazies in my life. As she continued, she saw a piece of broken glass on the ground, so she knelt to pick it up and put it in her pocket. She continued walking and the person continued to follow her. Trisha had had just about enough, so she said to herself, I’m about to turn around and give that person a piece of my mind.

  She stopped dead in her tracks and turned around to do just that when she realized who it was that was following her. All the words left her lips and she stood there looking foolish with her pouty lips and doe eyes. Trisha could not believe her eyes. It was Leo. She stood still for a few seconds more, then she snapped out of her gaze, quickly turned back around, and started speed walking toward home. Leo picked up his pace on the bike as well, but still maintained a comfortable distance away.

  O.M.G, O.M.G, Trisha squealed to herself. It’s Leo. Why is Leo following me? Oh my God, he is following me. Why is he following me? Oh my, really, why is he following me, though? Is there a hole in my pants or something? Is he looking at my underwear? I know that they are not the cutest things on the planet. What does he want? Oh Lord, are my legs ashy? It’s summertime and it is hot. Who has time to wear lotion? Lord, let me hurry up and get home before somebody tells Mom that I was standing in the road talking to this man. I cannot do the Mom drama today, Lord knows it.

  Trisha continued on her way home from the store. She took the piece
of broken glass out of her pocket and threw it into a nearby bush. She chuckled to herself to think that she may have had to get all gangster on someone. She did not look back anymore to see if he was still behind her. She just kept on walking. She had a little pep in her step as she neared her street.

  Who was Leo? Only the most handsome man she had ever seen. He lived in the neighborhood and all the girls went goo goo when they saw him. He was tall and well built; he had a head full of curly black hair and the most gorgeous teeth. Teeth were important to Trisha, as she believed that one could tell a lot about a person just from the way they kept their teeth. Leo had beautiful orange/mango complexion, big brown eyes and those lips, Oh, those lips, Trisha thought. They were not too skinny or too thick. His sense of fashion was unbelievable. He always looked and smelled so scrumptious.

  Just the thought of Leo sent waves of butterflies through Trisha’s tummy. In her mind, he was everything a girl could ever want. How good would I look on his arm? Trisha thought. I would be the envy of the neighborhood. We would be like the prom king and queen. Oh my goodness, and if we got married and had children they would be so cute. Wow, we would steal the show everywhere we went. People would address us4c as The Power Couple, and their family.” Trisha chuckled as she thought of her fantasy life with Leo and their make-believe family. You have too much time on your hands, girl, Trisha said to herself.

  Rumor had it that he was a drug dealer, though no one had ever seen him actually deal drugs or get arrested. That is a nasty rumor, Trisha thought to herself. The haters are always trying to ruin somebody’s reputation because the person is seemingly doing better than they are.

  Leo’s pros definitely outweighed his cons. There was something dark and mysterious about him, and like a moth to a flame, Trisha felt drawn to him. Something about him was so tempting, so decadent. She could see that he would be hard to resist; nevertheless, she continued walking and he trailed on the bike. He never said a word to her nor did she say anything to him. He followed her all the way home and when she got to her gate, she opened it and looked back at him. He nodded at her then flashed her his beautiful smile and continued on his way. Trisha stood at the gate for a moment to watch him and to take in what had just happened.

  “Wow,” Trisha said.

  Leo, the most beautiful creature she had ever laid eyes on had smiled at her. Trisha felt so special. Words could not describe what she was feeling. Trisha could not wait for the next day so that she could tell Eve all about her encounter with Leo.

  Trisha knocked on the bedroom door, then proceeded into the bedroom, placed the bread on the chair next to the bed and proceeded to put the change on the dresser. For the moment, she was still on a high from seeing Leo and she forgot about the very present danger called Harry.

  Mid-stride she heard, “Pass it here.”

  Oh, Lord, Trisha thought. She turned back and reached out her hand to give Harry the change when he grabbed her arm and started to pull her toward him. Sheer terror engulfed her entire body as she got closer to the bed.

  Oh God, help me. She cried out in her heart, Please help me, Daddy.

  Trisha was completely horrified. There was no way that she could fight Harry off. He was two times her size and far stronger than she was. All she could do was cry out again from within, Help me, God, please, help me. She screamed and screamed.

  “Come here you, little b****, Harry said. Oh, you thought that I forgotten, huh? Do you think that you can outsmart me? You cannot. My name is Man, little girl. I’ve been at this longer than you have been alive.”

  Trisha continued to scream helplessly. By this time, Harry had her pinned to the bed and he straddled her. He held both of her hands to the bed with one of his then he proceeded to unbutton and zip down her pants with his other hand. Poor Trisha screamed and cried for him to stop, but to no avail. He continued to wrestle with her pants. Helplessly she cried and she screamed.

  “Don’t cry now, you little tease,” Harry said. “You weren’t carrying on when you were flaunting yourself about the place now were you? Now shut up,” he shouted. “Better still, do not shut up, I like a little noise anyway.

  Harry rubbed himself on Trisha, and she went berserk. She started screaming and twitching like a mad woman. She managed to get a hand loose from his grip and she slapped Harry with all her might. Just as Harry reacted to the slap, Trisha was able to get enough of her knee up to hit Harry where it hurt. He grabbed his crown jewels with one hand and still managed to pull Trisha back with the other hand. Trisha kept fighting him off as best she could.

  She kept swinging her arms and legs in hopes of fending him off. Trisha could not explain what happened next. She did not know if it was the sheer terror in her eyes or what, but Harry released her arm immediately and let her go. She ran out of the house mortified. She ran and kept on running and crying. She neither stopped for car or bus, but just ran and ran. When she finally stopped, she was miles away from home at a park. Trisha walked over to the swing set, sat on the swing, and cried her heart out. She was never so scared in all her life.

  She cried and asked God, “Why do I have to keep enduring this mess? Did you have to take my dad? Why God, why?” she asked as she cried inconsolably.

  “Who is supposed to protect me from this monster, God, who? I don’t have anybody. Lord, please help me. I can’t do it anymore,” she cried.

  Trisha sat on the swing for a long time sobbing and moaning. Her arms were bruised from fighting off Harry. At that point, she just wanted to give up, to escape this life because she knew that it was only a matter of time before Harry finished what he started. She knew that she would not be able to live with herself if that happened. She felt like there was no way out, though deep in her heart, she knew that that would be wrong. As badly as she wanted to escape all of the pain she was feeling at that moment, Trisha could not help but to think about Talia and Antoine. Even in her moment of despair, she considered the well-being of her brother and sister. She could not leave them alone in the world with Mom and Harry. She just could not. She could foresee them becoming a ward of the state if she left them, because their needs would be neglected. Mom would leave them to fend for themselves, and she could not bear to think of what might happen to Talia if she were no longer around. Would Harry try to sleep with his own daughter? Trisha thought. I would not put anything past him. No, I cannot leave those two; they need me to look out for them.

  Trisha sat on the swing for a while longer contemplating her life. Some time had passed, and she slowly began to pull herself together. It was time to head home. By now, Mom would be home, and Trisha needed a really good excuse for why she was not there. She stopped at a pump to wash her face, and then she headed toward home.

  When Trisha got to the kitchen door, she could see the belt on the table.

  She pushed open the door and her little brother ran to the bedroom yelling at the top of his voice, “Mummy, Trisha reach.”

  Mom came storming out like a raging bull towards her. She grabbed Trisha by the shirt and pulled her toward her.

  “Where have you been, little girl? Do you see what time it is, huh? Answer me.” Mom laid some serious slaps on Trisha, who burst into tears. Her little brother and sister watched from behind the door.

  If only I could tell you, her heart screamed from within. She said with tears streaming down her face, “I was studying for a long time and my head started to hurt, so I went for a jog to clear my head. I think that I might need glasses because every time I read for a long time my head hurts.”

  Mom loosened the grip she had on Trisha and she looked her square in the eyes and said, “Little girl, don’t play with me. I do not talk foolishness. “Get your a** in that room and get ready for bed.”

  Trisha’s little brother and sister had such sorrow in their eyes for her. She instinctively knew that they wished they could express it. She knew because she was an expert on unexpressed feeli
ngs. Trisha changed their clothes and put them to bed. Talia squeezed her a little tighter than usual as she picked her up to put her in the top bunk. Trisha wanted so badly to tell her that everything would be alright, but she herself was not sure if that was the truth. In fact, Trisha was not sure of anything anymore. She was not sure of her safety, she was not sure of her reaction to Harry when she saw him, she was not sure of her future. The only thing that she was certain of was that she was uncertain of everything.

  Trisha managed to hold it together to finish her last few final exams. Graduation and prom came and went, and Trisha was a graduate without any prospects. Months went by without any sign of a job. Trisha did some babysitting here and there, and gave Mom a portion of her meager earnings. Harry never bothered Trisha again since that horrible day. Nevertheless, Trisha slept with a flat-head screw driver under her mattress. She settled in her mind that if he ever came near her again, she would give him something to remember indeed, no matter the consequences. Harry was still very mean to her; however, Trisha had grown numb to his insults, and no longer acknowledged him. She stayed clear of both Mom and Harry as much as possible. When her babysitting job was completed, she did her chores then climbed into bed and read a book. Trisha went to sleep early just to avoid them.

  7

  Just in time for her eighteenth birthday, Mom told Trisha that she had secured an interview for her at a local restaurant. Trisha was excited at the possibility of real employment. She went through the interview process and was successful in obtaining the job as a waitress. The pay was not great, but it was more than what she made as a babysitter. Working at the restaurant gave Trisha a sense of independence and a break from her home life. She enjoyed interacting with the costumers on a daily basis, who rewarded her great service with generous tips. She was able to open a bank account and saved most of her earnings. Trisha helped the manager, Tony, with the scheduling and some of the bookkeeping. She liked the added responsibility, and Tony always told her that whenever a supervisory position became available, she would be at the top of his list. Trisha was very diligent with her work. She dressed well, she came early and she left late. She always kept her station tidy, and she tipped the cooks who expedited her food, which made it possible for her to serve her customers quickly. Her popularity grew and in no time, Trisha had regular customers who only wanted her to serve them.