If Only I Could Tell Read online

  Everyone in the restaurant had been encouraging Trisha for weeks now to give him a chance or at least to go have coffee with him to hear him out, but Trisha was not having it. She was adamant that she was not interested in anything that Leo had to say. Trisha had to admit, though, that she did find Leo attractive, but she was uncertain as to his intentions. Seriously, she said to herself. Lying to others is one thing, but to yourself is a whole other matter. It’s okay to admit that you like him and would love to go out with him, but you are afraid? Afraid? Oh, I’m not afraid, Trisha said to herself. Well okay, maybe I am a little concerned but that is not the same thing. Who am I kidding? I am terrified. I like him too; I have never liked anyone as much as I like him and that terrifies me. I am scared to death that he is playing some sick joke on me. After all, it’s what happened to me for most of my high school years, and I have never had a boyfriend or even a male friend. She promised herself that she would consider his offer, but for now, she would enjoy the wooing.

  Trisha lay awake in bed that night reviewing her encounter with Leo that day and many previous days before that since he had come in with a date. She thought to herself, Does he really like me, or is he playing me? He has to be playing with me. I mean what could he possibly find attractive about me? I do not have anything to offer him. For heaven’s sake, I work at a local restaurant; I barely make enough money for necessities. I do not know what my future holds. I do not know how to be in a relationship with anyone. Shoot, I barely get along with myself most days. I am not girlfriend material. I mean really, he is wasting his time trying to talk to me; I’m damaged. I live in dysfunction, I have trust issues and I just do not know if I am worth the trouble.

  Trisha did not get much sleep that night, but she somehow still looked forward to going into work, because she knew or at least hoped that Leo would show up. He brightened her day in his own annoying way. Even if it were just in the capacity of server and customer, Trisha liked seeing Leo; that was her time with him. Morning came and as Trisha prepared for work, she stood in front of Mom’s mirror fixing her hair. She stared into the mirror at herself and thought,

  You do not give yourself enough credit. Yes, your life has been one struggle after another; and yes, you may consider yourself damaged, but who does not have problems? You wonder what you have to offer someone. Well, it is very simple. You have strength, you are stronger than you know, you have faith, you have hope, as silly as it may seem, you still believe in love and in happily ever after. You look for the good in people despite your negative experiences. You have a beautiful mind and a big heart. Yes, you may lack experience in the relationship department, but that means that you can customize your relationship. The future, your future, is bright even though it may be undefined at this moment. Most importantly, you must always remember that you are beautiful both inside and out. You really have blossomed into a beautiful young lady.

  Trisha had never thought of herself as beautiful before, and no one ever called her beautiful. She did not think herself ugly, but not beautiful either. Her classmates, kids in the neighborhood, and of course Harry, always referred to her skin tone in such a negative way. Somehow, though, Trisha did not allow them to make her feel badly about herself. She always used to say that God did not make any mistake when he made her. She really took a moment to look at herself: yes, her skin was black, but it was silky smooth. There was not a spot or wrinkle on any part of her body, no fine lines, and no crow’s feet. Her hair was thick and bouncy; it was full of life; she did not have to worry about it thinning out and falling away. Trisha’s hair really defined her face, which was different from all the other faces in her neighborhood. Her face was thin but not frail looking. She had high cheekbones and a sharp nose, defined jaw lines, plump lips, and she too had beautiful teeth and an award-winning smile. Her customers always told her how her smile brightened their day.

  Trisha remembered when she had changed teeth as a youngster. The other kids called her Bugs Bunny, because her front teeth appeared to be too big for her face. Now everything fit together just fine. Growing up, Trisha was very slim and she matured late, so none of the boys was interested in her as a childhood sweetheart because they referred to her as a tomboy; but now she had all the right proportions and no one could ever mistake her for a boy. She still had long limbs however; people often complemented her about her height by telling her that she should consider modeling as a career. Many of the same people who spoke about her skin color in a negative way now referred to her as “dark and lovely.” In fact, she often wondered if that was her new name. People hardly ever called her Trisha; it was either “slim thing” or “dark and lovely.” Trisha smiled at the memories. The ugly duckling had truly experienced a metamorphic change into a very beautiful swan. Who would have thought it? Feeling better about herself, Trisha continued getting dressed and headed off to work.

  Once she had finished preparing her station for business, Trisha went to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Tony was there speaking with the head chef. He wrapped up his conversation and turned his attention to Trisha.

  “Good morning, Trisha, and how are you on this beautiful day?”

  Trisha looked at Tony with a raised brow and said, “Good morning again, Tony. I am fine and how are you?”

  Tony responded, “Oh, never better. Do you have anything exciting planned for after work today?”

  “No, my plans are the same as usual, Tony. Why do you ask?”

  “No reason, Trisha, no reason at all. You have a wonderful day now,” he said as he walked off with a wicked grin on his face.

  Trisha watched him as he walked off. She said, “Tony, I have my eyes on you. You had better not be up to no tricks. I mean it, Tony.”

  Tony laughed.

  Trisha yelled out, “I mean it, Tony.”

  “I have no idea what you are talking about, Trisha,” Tony said.

  Trisha shook her head and continued with her coffee.

  A short time later Leo came into the restaurant, and as usual he sat on Trisha’s station. Trisha came over and said, “Good morning, Leo, what can I get for you today?”

  Leo smiled and said, “Thirty minutes of your time after work today.”

  “I don’t think so, Leo.”

  “Come on, Trisha, give me a chance. I promise it’s only coffee and I’ll take you straight home.”

  Trisha hesitated.

  Tony happened to walk past at the same time. Leo called to him.

  “Hey, Tony.”

  “Hey, Leo,” Tony said, “how can I help?”

  “What does a brother have to do to get this sister to go have a cup of coffee with him?” Leo asked.

  “I don’t know, she is one tough nut, isn’t she?”

  “The toughest,” Leo replied.

  Tony said, “How bad can it be? It’s only coffee right?”

  “It’s only coffee.”

  “It’s only coffee, Trisha,” Tony said.

  Trisha hesitated.

  “Just coffee?” she asked.

  “I promise.”

  “Okay, Leo, thirty minutes.”

  “Yes!” Leo shouted. His smile could have lit up a small town.

  He said, “Okay, I will see you after work.” He got up and headed towards the door.

  “Ooh, Trisha, you go, girl,” remarked Tony.

  Trisha shook her head and rolled her eyes at him.

  “Shut it, Tony; it had better only be coffee or you will have hell to pay.” Trisha said.

  “It’s only coffee, Trisha. Relax girl. Try to live in the moment. You are going out with the most eligible bachelor in town. How about that, girlfriend?”

  “I am sure you have some work to do somewhere.” Trisha responded.

  The day went by quickly for Trisha. She had lots of customers come through, but still it seemed like she was hardly busy. She had certain pep in her step throu
ghout the day. Persons kept asking her about her especially cheerful demeanor. Trisha would say, “What are you talking about? I am always this upbeat.”

  “No,” a customer remarked, “there is something a little different about you today. I cannot put my finger on it right now, but there is definitely something different today.”

  Trisha brushed it off, but if she were to be completely honest with herself, she would admit that there was something a little different with her that day. Truth is, thoughts of Leo preoccupied her mind most of the day. She wondered if she would still find Leo as intriguing when it was just the two of them. I wonder what topics we will talk about, Trisha said to herself. I cannot wait to sit and speak with him, to see what kind of stuff he’s made of, to try to get an understanding of the type of person he really is. I am so nervous. This will be my first official date with anyone. I am going out with the most popular guy in the neighborhood for my first date. How awesome is that? I cannot wait to tell Eve. More importantly, will Leo find me interesting? It is my first date. I do not have the kind of experience that some of the women Leo is accustomed to going out with may have. What if I am not a good date? What if he does not find me funny? What if I say the wrong thing? What will I do if he tries to kiss me? Will I let him, would I kiss him back, would I enjoy it? Would he?

  All sorts of questions loomed in Trisha’s mind. She thought, What would people say when they see me out with him. What would Mom say? Trisha knew that Mom did not care for Leo. She always referred to him as “that no-good man.” What would I do if Mom forbade me to ever see Leo? Trisha began to feel anxious about her impending date. Her heart rate increased and her palms started to sweat. She needed to find an excuse out of her date. She was convinced that she was not ready to find out the answers to many of the questions that bounced around in her mind.

  It was nearing the time for her coffee date with Leo, and Trisha still had no concrete plan to get out of her date. If she approached Tony with her fears, she knew that he would find a way to calm her down and talk her off the ledge. No, she would have to think quickly if she was going to escape embarrassing herself. Precisely at four ‘o’clock, Leo pulled up in his Ford Mustang, with the engine revving. So much for her disappearing act. Trisha knew that there was no getting out of that date. She would have to pull up her “big girl pants” and take the plunge. Trisha was a bit excited and nervous at the same time; she grabbed her bag, took a deep breath, and headed out the door. She was quite nervous but she was determined not to allow her fears to get the best of her.

  “I am proud of you, Trisha,” shouted Tony. “Remember that you are a lady; don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do now,” he said from across the room.

  “So, I am a lady now?” Trisha asked. “Thanks. I won’t” Trisha continued. “However, I was doing just fine before you decided to play matchmaker, Tony.” She went to the car and Leo reached across to open the door for her, and they were on their way.

  8

  Leo’s car was nice; it had plush leather seats, a great sound system, tinted windows, air-conditioning, and the smell of strawberry air freshener. His alarm system actually talked once it was on. Once he came to the restaurant and it was busy, so he and other guests had to wait a few minutes to be seated. Someone had bumped into his car which was parked out front, and the alarm system said, “You are standing to close to the vehicle, please stand back, this is a warning.” Those persons waiting for a table found that to be so impressive. It was just like Leo to have an over-the-top alarm system.

  Harry’s old jalopy could not compare to that. Trisha wondered how Harry got that old thing licensed each year. There was duct tape on the seats, the CD player did not work, it was dirty, and the windows had to be manually pulled up in order for them to close properly. The paint was cracked and peeling. She thought that he was spraying for mosquitoes every time he started the car because of all the smoke that came out of the muffler. Harry never bothered to lock the car, because frankly, who would want to steal that old thing?

  They pulled up to the gourmet coffee shop near the marina, and Leo turned the engine off. He positioned himself against the driver’s door so that he had full view of Trisha. She felt a little self-conscious with him staring at her.

  She said, “What? Why are you staring at me?”

  “Because you’re beautiful,” Leo responded.

  Trisha did not know how to receive that compliment. She wondered if Leo had an ulterior motive for complimenting her. At that very moment, she reminded herself of Mom. Mom did not trust anyone.

  Trisha played it off, saying, “Anyway, Leo, I thought that we came out to have some coffee, not for you to be all creepy.”

  “Creepy? You think my compliment was creepy?” Leo asked.

  “Not the compliment itself, but the way you said it while staring at me like a piece of meat. Are you hungry, Leo?” Trisha smiled.

  “Well, excuse me for being a gentleman and for complimenting a beautiful lady when I see one. I will just have to keep my compliments to myself from now on.”

  “Are you done with you pity party?” Trisha asked.

  Leo shook his head. “You are one tough cookie, young lady. Let’s go get that coffee.”

  They went into the coffee shop. Trisha ordered a turkey and swiss sandwich with her white mocha coffee, and Leo ordered an iced mocha. They sat at a booth near a window with a view of the marina.

  “Alright, Mr. Leo, you have my undivided attention. What is it that you want to know?”

  “Well, Ms. Trisha, I find you fascinating, and I want to get to know you better.”

  Trisha blushed, “Oh really? Fascinating, you say. Why is that?”

  “I am not exactly sure. There is just something so different about you that intrigues me.”

  “Go on,” Trisha said.

  “Well, for starters, you are not like the typical young ladies around here. You keep to yourself. I have never seen you at any of the night clubs or hangout joints, you don’t look like you are into the party scene, and that is special because all of the girls are into the party scene. I have even heard some of the girls talking about you and for some reason you have them riled up.

  “I have them riled up?” Trisha asked. “Why would they be bothered by me?”

  “Well, they seem to think that you think yourself to be better than they are.”

  “What!” Trisha burst into laughter. “Me, better than them? Oh, please stop.”

  “You do not believe me?”

  “No, it’s not you, I cannot believe that people think that I think that I am better than them.”

  “Why is that so hard to believe, Trisha? You have a lot going for you.”

  Trisha burst out into laughter again, “Like what? Oh, please, I want to hear this. What do I have that those girls could possibly be envious of?”

  “You obviously have no idea of the qualities that you possess, Trisha. He reached across the table and took a hold of her hand.

  Trisha nervously cleared her throat and looked him straight in the eyes. “Tell me.”

  Leo held onto her hands and said, “Look around the neighborhood, Trisha. While many of the other girls are busy chasing easy money, you are working hard for little pay, you are home helping your mom out with the kids, you do not roam the streets turning tricks for things that you do not need. You are satisfied with what you have. No, you may not rock the latest fads or fashion, but you look great in whatever you do wear. You are naturally beautiful and you are not ashamed of who you are. You are not motivated by materialism, and you are not all over the place, and I love that about you.”

  Trisha quickly removed her hands from his. No one had ever said those things to her before and she was a little taken aback by Leo’s insight into her life. She could feel a lump forming in her throat.

  She sipped nervously on her coffee for a moment, and then she cleared her throat and
said, “Wow, you really have been stalking me.”

  They both laughed. Leo sensed that Trisha was not comfortable talking about herself so he changed pace.

  He said, “So tell me about your plans for the future. What do you see yourself doing in the next five to ten years?”

  Trisha took a bite of her sandwich and another sip of her coffee before she answered. “Well, as I am sure that you already know, I live with my mom and her evil bastard of a boyfriend, Harry. I have a younger brother, Antoine, and a sister, Talia; they are my pride and joy. I am working at the restaurant because I’m saving money to go to college.”

  Leo seemed impressed with that last statement. He asked, “You want to go to college?”

  “Yes, I want to go to college. Is that a problem?”

  “No, not at all; in fact, it is very good. Most of the girls around here are not interested in learning anything. They want to make that quick buck and find the next John to con.”

  “I’ve noticed. Riding around in fancy cars, dressing up, and partying seems to be the order of the day.”

  Leo teased, “So are you too good for us, Ms. I-want-to-go-to-college?”

  “Not at all,” Trisha answered. “I’m just of the opinion that there has to be more to life than this.”

  “You see, and that is what I was talking about when I say that you are different. You do not want some sugar daddy taking care of you; you want your own stuff.”

  “I want my own stuff,” Trisha confirmed. “If I have my own stuff then nobody can tell me anything. I can come and go as I please, and I can do as I please. I do not have to bow to any man. This may be a bit deep for a coffee date, but since you want to know more about me I will share this with you. I do not want to spend the rest of my life in this ghetto. I want out. I have watched my mother struggle all the days of my life with not having enough money to make ends meet. We have moved from place to place because she has had problems paying the rent. Now she has two kids for a loser. He treats her like crap, but she will not leave him. I do not know why, but she stays and endures his ill treatment of her. I have watched my mom lose her voice over the years. She just takes and takes. She has lost her identity, and I do not want that to be me in a few years. I work hard and I save what I can, I help her out as much as I can, but I never lose sight of the end game.”