If Only I Could Tell Read online

  Secondly, Eve was of Haitian decent, and Mom absolutely did not care for foreigners. Mom’s reason for her dislike of foreigners was unknown to Trisha. The only thing Trisha knew was that Mom would make her walk all the way to the supermarket to purchase the same thing that the resident Haitian farmer had for sale. Mom strictly warned Trisha and her siblings that if they were offered food or drink from anyone, no matter if they were hungry or thirsty, they were to decline; and if she found out that her instructions were not followed to the letter, Trisha and the kids would get a beating that they would not soon forget. Trisha never questioned Mom’s reasoning, so she followed her instructions for the most part.

  Trisha and Eve were the best of friends. They had many things in common. Like Trisha, Eve’s parents were strict and did not welcome strangers into their home either. Like Trisha, Eve’s parents were poor and lived a very modest lifestyle. They never ate out, but at least Trisha’s mom got takeout every once in a while; unlike Eve’s mother, who cooked three times per day. Eve was a smart girl. She and Trisha didn’t see each other much at school because Eve was a part of honors program. The majority of her classes were different from Trisha’s, so they only saw glimpses of each other as they made their way to their respective classes. Once they did meet up though, Eve helped Trisha with homework and certain projects. Although they only hung out for the duration of the ride to and from school, and at the library, Trisha and Eve were relatable. Every morning they met each other at the bus stop. If Eve got there before Trisha she would wait for her, and if Trisha got there before Eve she likewise waited for Eve. They talked on the bus about all the happenings of their homes and all the latest drama in the neighborhood. Trisha was very excited to tell Eve all about her latest change. Eve was happy that Trisha was happy. They talked about Trisha’s first training bra, and that Trisha should take an aspirin the morning of the monthly visit in order to avoid cramping. Eve told her to drink lots of water and still participate in P.E. class because exercising was helpful. Trisha considered Eve as her sister, and while she was happy to get all those tips from Eve, she wished that the advice had come from her mom. Nevertheless, Trisha was grateful to have Eve in her corner. Eve understood her.

  Eve herself had been a “young woman” for a long time. She had big boobs and hips. She and Trisha were the same age; however, Eve was quite mature for her age both in looks and in character. The boys in the neighborhood all whistled and called out to Eve as she walked to the bus stop in the mornings. However, Eve hated the attention. She never responded and she never talked about any boy that she liked; she was all about the books. Eve wanted to go to college when she finished high school so she had no time for distractions, as she called them. Trisha, on the other hand, would not have minded the attention except no one was whistling or calling out to her. Am I invisible? she thought. Do they not see that I have boobs and hips too? Stupid boys, what do they know?

  Someone did in fact notice her changing physique—oh yeah—mean ole Harry noticed. Trisha noted that he noticed her and it filled her heart with fear. All of a sudden, he was being nice to her, inviting her to come along on rides with the kids, letting her sit in the front seat, offering her food that he brought home, and watching her as she stood at the stove preparing meals. Why is he watching me cook? She asked in her mind. He made her feel quite uncomfortable. There was definitely something sinister about the way that he looked at her, which made her very uneasy. The ‘mom’ in Trisha jumped into high gear. She questioned his motives. What possible reason could Harry have for his sudden change in attitude toward her? Was it something I did? Trisha wondered. I certainly have not changed my attitude toward him. He’s a jerk. It could not be that he actually thought of me in that way, right? Eww, gross. The more Trisha thought about it the more freaked out she became.

  In fact, Trisha recalled feeling a hand caressing her upper thigh as she dozed off to sleep the last time she went for a ride with Harry and the kids; but she played it off because surely that could not have been what happened. She thought, Those things happened on TV, or to other people whose lives were a mess. That could not possibly be what had happened. Should she tell Mom? Would Mom even believe her? She thought, Perhaps Mom told him to be nicer to me. Yeah, that had to be it. Come to think of it, though, why would Harry ever listen to a thing Mom said? He’s never acknowledged anything she’s told him before. Why would he listen now? Trisha doubted that that was the reason for his turnaround.

  Maybe it was all her imagination. Maybe it was the hormones making her feel that way. She learned that hormones could really do a number on kids her age. That had to be it. It had to be the hormones causing her to overreact, right? Trisha thought, Although Harry had been a jerk to her, her whole life, he would not do that to Mom. He just wouldn’t. Forget Mom, he would not do that to me. He’s been the only father figure I’ve had, granted a terrible one, but nonetheless, a father figure. Trisha wrestled with her thoughts a while longer. Should I tell Mom what I’m feeling? Can I trust Mom to believe me, or at least understand? Would she take my word or would she say that I was trying to cause trouble? I don’t know what to do. Trisha took a deep breath. Calm down, Trisha, she said to herself. It’s probably nothing. Mom does not need to be bothered by your fears. Were they fears at all, or just the hormones of a teenage girl?

  Still Trisha was plagued with uncertainty. If she did tell Mom, what would happen? Would Mom say that it was something that she was doing to attract Harry’s attention? After all, her jeans were a bit tight, but they were all that she had. It’s not like they took shopping trips like the girls bragged about in her class. Trisha thought, If I say something to Mom and Harry denies it, that would be a beating for me. Nope, she thought, she’d better keep her questions to herself and hope that Harry returned to insulting and degrading her, which was far better than the sinking feeling in her gut that said he was thinking about her in ways that a mom’s boyfriend should not be thinking about a child.

  The feeling did not go away and Trisha feared the worst. Fear consumed her thoughts most of the time and she was horrified when Mom said that she had to work the night shift. That meant that she would have to be alone in the house with Harry after the kids went to bed. What would she do if her fears were realized? How would she defend herself? Who could she call for help? What would happen to her if no one believed her? Would the neighbors say that she was a fast tail little girl? Would they look at her with disgust? How would she face Mom? Would Mom hate her? How would she make it if Mom blamed her? Trisha gave herself a headache. Nothing she did seem to calm her fears.

  On such a night while Mom was at work, Trisha was ironing for school the next morning, when Harry called her,

  “Yes sir,” she answered.

  “Come here,” he echoed.

  Her heart raced. She went to the bedroom door and poked her head in, “Yes sir,” she squeaked, horror flooding her body.

  “Bring me some water,” he snapped.

  Trisha quickly turned and headed to the kitchen for the water. She brought the water to the room and as she handed the glass to Harry, she was certain that his hand lingered a bit too long on hers. Panicked, she quickly turned and exited the room. She walked to the living room and paced back and forth for what seemed like an eternity. Her heart was beating so fast she thought that she would faint. What do I do? What do I do? she asked herself over and over. Lord, what do I do? Why do bad things always seem to happen to me? Why? Is it something that I’ve done? What is it? I try to be good, I try to help people, I’m good to my brother and sister. Why me, Lord, why me? she said as she continued to pace. She sat on the edge of the sofa, legs shaking and hands on her head, thinking aloud, “If he touches me, Lord, if he touches me.” Too afraid to finish that trend of thought, she continued to shake uncontrollably.

  Take a deep breath, Trisha, she told herself. Take a deep breath and calm down. What was it that Pastor said last Sunday? Something about God not giving u
s more than we can handle. I need to pay closer attention in church, she said. What was it? Think, Trisha, think. Well, whatever it was, God, between you and me, please keep Harry away from me, and I’ll try hard to be a good girl, I promise. Tomorrow I am going to ask Mom not to go to work, but what reason could I give to justify my request? Trisha asked herself. After all, Mom had to work to support them.

  Tomorrow came but Trisha said nothing. She figured that there was no need to burden Mom with her fears. She just stayed at the kitchen table pretending to do homework for as long as her eyes could stand, and she hoped and prayed that Mom would arrive home soon. That worked for a while. She still reasoned in her mind if she should tell Mom; however, she concluded that Mom would think that she was causing trouble and that would only mean a beating, so Trisha kept how she felt to herself.

  It was a hot summer’s day, and the kids were outside playing. Trisha had filled up one of the tin tubs with water so that they could splash around and cool off. From the laughs resonating from the backyard, it was safe to say that they were having a blast. Meanwhile, Trisha was on the inside entertaining her cousin Jacquelyn (Jackie as she was called for short). Jackie lived out of the country. She and her family visited only once per year. Both Trisha and Jackie were the same age, and although they only saw each other once per year it was as if they never missed a beat. They picked up right where they left off, filling each other in on what had been happening with their respective families.

  Jackie was unlike Trisha. She was outspoken, an extrovert, the life of the party. There was never a dull moment with Jackie around. She could captivate an audience like you would not believe. Telling stories was her calling. When Jackie told you a story, you felt like you were right in the middle of the action. Trisha wished that she was as free a spirit as Jackie was. Everyone loved Jackie—well, everyone but Mom. While at the family dinner and Jackie was being, well, Jackie, Trisha could see the disdain on Mom’s face. Every time Jackie told a story, Trisha noticed how Mom would clench her jaw, and how the vein popped out on the side of Mom’s head. As if Trisha could hear the thoughts in Mom’s mind, she gathered that Mom would say something along the lines of, “I cannot stand that little girl. She craves attention too much. Every time adults gather, she has to be in the middle of a conversation. I do not know why my brother allows her to do that. Children ought to be seen and not heard, especially little girls. Oh, I wish Trisha would try that. Honey, dog would eat her lunch. She knows I don’t play that. My mother use to say, if you play with puppies, puppies will lick your mouth.” Trisha never understood what that saying meant.

  Anyway, back to more of what Mom would say, Trisha chuckled to herself, “I would peel Trisha’s backside if she ever carried on that way. She had better never let me see her trying to make a spectacle of herself, but I do not have to worry about that because she knows what would happen. I don’t even need to look at her.” Trisha shook her head, it was true, Mom did not even need to speak words to be clearly understood. The look was enough; and don’t let her kink her head to the side or raised an eyebrow—child, if that happened, it was cheaper you just went straight to picking your tamarind switch once you got home. A classic mom nonverbal communication was if she crossed her arms across her chest and gave one of us a glance as the person was talking. Oh, you knew that you were in big trouble then. Or if she said, “Hmm,” if someone said something in reference to one of us. It was pointless trying to refute anything. You just needed to prepare mentally for the cut hip, because it was going to be long.

  One thing that always upset Trisha was the fact that Mom hardly ever took their side if a neighbor or a family member complained about something that they may have said or done. She was always so quick to pronounce guilt on them and never listened to their side of the story. Simple misunderstandings almost always ended in some form of punishment for her and the siblings.

  Trisha listened to Jackie a while longer as they lay on the lower bunk watching TV, laughing and talking when Trisha noticed the time. It was soon time for Mom to come home from work. She needed to get the kids out of their makeshift pool, tidy them up, feed them and take a bath herself. Mom preferred that everybody be clean before dinner. Trisha asked Jackie to help her bring the tub in and half fill it with water. She and Jackie rounded up the kids and proceeded to give them their bath. Jackie seemed fascinated with the whole process of bathing in a tin tub. Her family was in a far better financial position than Mom was, and they lived a comfortable life. Jackie had her own room with a bathroom attached, and she never had to share anything with anyone. She had her own iPhone and iPad. You name it and Jackie had it. Her closet was almost the size of Trisha’s room and it was filled from top to bottom with clothes and shoes. Trisha and Jackie were about the same size, but Mom never allowed Trisha to take any of the lightly worn clothing that Jackie brought with her each time she and her family visited. Jackie was happy to help the kids finish up their bath as Trisha headed to the kitchen to prepare a light snack for them. They ate their snacks, and then Trisha tidied up the kitchen and set the kids down in the living room to watch cartoons while she prepared herself for a bath. Jackie help Trisha get clean water for the tub and sat on the bed to continue with their conversation as Trisha undressed and proceeded to bathe.

  Unexpectedly, Trisha heard keys in the kitchen door. Was it Mom? Did she get off early? It could not be Harry because he worked long hours, and we usually did not see him until late after he had spent some quality time at the corner bar. So why then was Mom home this early? Was she feeling okay? Mom had been working a lot of overtime;, she was really trying hard to provide for them. Trisha was grateful for that. Mom was tough as nails, but she sure was not lazy. She did what she had to do for her family.

  Antoine and Talia shouted in unison, “Hi, Daddy!”

  Trisha’s heart stopped. Harry was home, she thought. What was Harry doing home in the middle of the day? She never took baths in the room when Harry was home because the rooms adjoined, which meant that he walked through their room to get to his. Trisha was completely naked. What could she do? If she jumped out of the tub to grab the towel and cover herself, Jackie would want to know why. After all, Harry was pretty much her stepdad. She heard Harry’s steps get closer to the door. Panic began to set in.

  “Trisha, are you okay?” Jackie asked, “You’re looking a little faint.”

  Trisha did not answer. As if time had slowed all the way down to a crawl, Trisha watched as the doorknob slowly turned, because nobody knocked. There was no such thing as privacy. She heard her heart beat, “LUB-DUB-LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB-LUB-DUB,”. “Tri … sha,” called Jackie, “is… something… wrong…? Snap out of it,” Jackie yelled. Trisha quickly turned in the tub so that her back would face Harry when he entered the room. Her heart now beating a mile a minute when the reality of her situation set in, she literally froze like a deer in headlights, as she held her breath. Although Jacquelyn was still in the room, Trisha felt all alone.

  For a moment, Harry seemed just as surprised to see them as they were to see him. He looked at Jackie and she looked at him, then she looked at her cousin sitting helplessly in the tin tub. Jackie looked back at Harry and she instantly knew why Trisha had reacted the way that she did.

  Before Jacquelyn could get a word in edgewise, Harry glared at her and said, “Leave.”

  Jackie hesitated. She looked again at Trisha sitting frozen in the tub and before she could say another word, she heard Harry’s voice, “Now!”

  Trisha heard herself say to Jackie, “No, wait until I get out of the tub,” except her lips were not moving and there was no sound coming out of her mouth. Terribly frightened for herself as well as for her cousin, Jackie hightailed it out of the room. She did not even say goodbye.

  “Oh, God, what’s about to happen to me?” Trisha thought. Her heart was racing, but her body was frozen. Her back was still turned towards Harry, Trisha closed her eyes and took a deep breath as if t
o prepare herself for what was to come. She could feel him moving toward her. In a moment, he was standing directly over her. Too scared to look in any direction, Trisha fixed her eyes on the wall, her body as stiff as a board. She could almost hear his heartbeat. Harry knelt down behind Trisha and proceeded to fondle her. By this time, she could feel his hot breath on the back of her neck. It reeked of alcohol. Harry placed his hands on Trisha’s shoulders and lightly massaged them. Trisha held her breath. Harry ran his hands down the length of Trisha’s arms and into the soapy water and dripped water over her body. Trisha exhaled quickly and closed her eyes again.

  “Little girl,” Harry whispered in her ear. “I’ve seen you looking at me,” he said as he caressed her wet skin. “Did you not think that I saw you flaunty your fast a** around the place? You little whore. You could not wait, could you, for breasts so that you could tease me with them, huh?”

  By this time, his hands were caressing the outside of her thighs and her hips. “I see you walking around here in your little tight jeans, daring me to come at you. You are just like your whoring mother. She was about your age when I found her on the streets selling her a**. Do you wish to be like your mom? Do you think that you can walk around here teasing me? Harry’s hands were all over Trisha’s little body. He fondled her breasts, her upper body, and her va-jay-jay. He rubbed his callused hands all over her soapy skin for what seemed like hours. Harry continued to rub all over Trisha’s body. He leaned into her back and she could feel his manhood.