If Only I Could Tell Read online

  “Do you feel that,” he asked? This is for teasers. If you want so badly to be like your whore of a mother, then I’ll give you what she gets.”

  This was it. This exact moment is what she had dreaded for months. Trisha thought, Harry is going to violate me, take away my innocence and there is nothing that I can do to stop him. Her worst fear was about to be realized, and she was helpless to do anything about it.

  Just as Harry was about to lift Trisha out of the tub, one of the kids entered the kitchen. Harry quickly made his escape to the bedroom. It was her little sister Talia. She poked her head into the room and Trisha could finally breathe again.

  Trisha whispered to Talia, “Hand me the towel, please, and wait for me to get dressed.”

  Talia sighed and said, “Man, hurry up, I want to go outside.”

  Trisha motioned to her to quiet down then she quickly dried off and got dressed. She opened the back door and emptied out the tub; she then took Talia by the hand and they went outside. Dumbfounded and obviously shaken, Trisha went to the side of the house to try to pull herself together. Empty on the inside, Trisha clasped her fingers together on the top of her head. She inhaled and exhaled and she fought back tears. The only thing that she was sure of was that she could not cry. If she started to cry there was no guarantee that she would be able to stop, and Mom would definitely notice her bloodshot eyes. How would she explain the reason for her tears? She was not a good liar. The lump in her throat made it almost impossible for her to swallow. What was she going to do? Trisha was in a state of shock. She was caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts. She could not believe that Harry did that to her. She felt so ashamed, so dirty, so alone. The thought of his nasty hands caressing her body made her want to vomit. Trisha felt so violated. Her stomach convulsed as she thought of how he had touched her most sacred parts, her knees buckled beneath her as she thought about what he would have done if Talia had not interrupted him. Trisha sat in a tight ball at the base of the house, trying not to think of what might have been. She placed her head on her knees and she began to speak out loud.

  “Lord,” she said, “I don’t have words for you right now. I am trying not to be angry with you, but it’s not working. My life is all your fault. You do not love me. If you did, I would have a different life. My daddy would be alive, my mother would love me, and we would not be in the situation that we are in right now. You don’t love me, because you would not have let Mom’s mom die when she was so young. You would have not allowed Mom to be on the streets to be taken advantage of. You would not have let her meet Harry. You would have protected us. I do not want to be mad with you, Lord, but I am. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. I asked you for one simple favor and you let me down. One favor is all that I wanted and you disappointed me. I try to be good, but it’s not enough for you, is it? What more do you want from me? I’m only a little kid, … well, ok, I’m not a kid but that’s not the point. You know what I mean. You let me down. Why do I even need you? You know what, I don’t. I don’t need you. Some help you are.”

  Trisha’s heart ached so badly. After a while, she spoke again. “It’s me again, Lord, please don’t be mad at me, it’s just that my life is so hard. I’m sorry for saying those things to you. I’m so confused, it seems like the world is against me. I know that you do not really allow bad things to happen to people. It’s the world that we live in; it’s full of bad people. I mean I think you love me because you let Mom have me, and for the most part I’m okay. I mean I’m not crazy, right? I could have been born crazy, or with two toes or something. I know sometimes people call me stupid, but I don’t think I’m stupid. I mean I’m no genius, but I do not think I’m stupid. In fact, I think I’m even a little cute, right? So what if those kids at school think I’m a little off? What do they know anyway? And if I’m truly honest with you, I think that you sent Talia there, in the room, I mean just at the right time, right? You did send her in there, didn’t you? I think you did. You know Harry is a bad person. He should not have done that, and I am not a whore, right? I’m a good girl. Well, okay, I’m not good all the time, but most of the time I’m good, aren’t I? I think so. I’m scared, Lord. What if next the time no one is at home to save me?”

  The thought of that drove Trisha to her feet. She repeated as she began to pace alongside the house, “What if the next time no one is at home to save me? Oh God, please do not let that happen to me. I could not handle it, please don’t let that happen, please.” Panic began to flood her thoughts and Trisha walked back and forth like a caged animal. She muttered to herself, I don’t know what I would do if that happened. I don’t know what I would do if that happened.

  “I …”

  Just then, she heard the kids chanting in their happiest little voices, “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.” She thought to herself, “Oh great, Mom is home.”

  After Mom stepped inside, Trisha quickly and quietly slipped onto the porch and sat down.

  Mom said, “Where’s Trisha?”

  Trisha quickly responded, “Right here, ma’am.” She got up off the porch and went inside.

  “Do you have any homework?” Mom asked.

  “No ma’am,” Trisha responded. Mom must really be tired, Trisha thought. “It’s summer break.”

  Mom then placed a couple of grocery bags on the table, “Put those groceries away,” Mom said as she headed for her bedroom. Trisha put the groceries away then sat at the kitchen table. The kids had followed Mom into the bedroom and after a few minutes, they emerged with strawberry Danishes in hand.

  “Trisha, look at what we have,” said Antoine, Trisha’s little brother.

  Trisha tried hard to look interested. “What is that, Antoine?”

  Convinced that he had his sister’s attention, Antoine burst out into laughter, with one hand behind his back, he said, “Me and Talia have Danishes and you don’t have any.”

  “What? You got Danishes from Mom for yourselves and you didn’t get any for me? You are such a bad brother.” Trisha placed her head in her hand and pretended to cry.

  Both of the kids burst into laughter.

  Antoine said, “Ha, ha. I fooled you, Trisha. Here’s yours.”

  Trisha removed her hands just as Antoine was making the Danish appear from behind his back.

  “Thank you, Antoine. You are a good brother after all.”

  He handed the Danish to Trisha then he and Talia headed outdoors to enjoy theirs. Trisha placed the Danish on the table, but she could not eat it. A short time later, she wrapped it in foil and placed it in the fridge. Words could not describe how Trisha felt. The events of that afternoon replayed repeatedly in Trisha’s mind, and she could not block it out.

  How could this happen? she wondered. Harry had known her all her life. How could he speak to her with such evil intent? Trisha sat at the table contemplating her next move. Her concern was how was she going to tell her mom that her live-in boyfriend and the father of her younger children was a child molester? She said in her mind, He was a downright dirty dog, a stinking pedophile. The nerve of him doing such a thing and then pretending that nothing happened. To run off to his room like nothing ever happened. She was so lost in her thoughts that she did not even notice when Mom emerged from the room. Mom never looked at Trisha or said anything to her, and why would she? She was not that kind of mom. Trisha thought, Any other mother would ask her child if everything was okay, but not Mom. Any other mother would insist that her child tell her what was going on if she noticed her child staring into space, but not Mom. No, she was a rock, which meant that everyone else had to be rocks too. Forget feelings, emotions, troubles, regrets, anything remotely human—no, those were for the faint of heart. Those had no place in Mom’s house.

  Mom opened the refrigerator and peered in trying to decide what to make for dinner. A few minutes later, she had whipped up some steamed tuna and white rice. She dished up Harry’s plate first, took it to him
in the room, then came back to dish up the children’s. Antoine and Talia sat at the table anxiously awaiting their portion. No longer than five minutes ago they were consuming Danishes, and now they were at the table looking like they had not eaten in weeks. One would think that they hardly ate by the way they behaved at dinner. As soon as Mom had the rest of the plates before them, they began to stuff spoonfuls of hot food into their mouths. Immediately, they both regretted their decision and spit the hot food back onto their plates. Under normal circumstances, that would have thoroughly amused Trisha, but today was not that kind of day. She stared at the two children and the only thing she could think of while watching them was, Your dad is a rapist. He’s a cold-blooded rapist.

  She looked closely at Antoine, and wondered how such a sweet, innocent child could possibly turn out to be a rapist one day. She leaned forward and stared closely at him; he had such a sweet face. He had the cutest little button nose and big brown eyes which sparkled every time he saw one of them. She prayed that he would turn out to be different from his father. Trisha turned her attention to Talia. Talia was different from her and from Mom. Even at such a tender age, Trisha could see that Talia was going to be a force to be reckoned with. She was a lively and spirited little girl. She was not afraid to speak up or to ask questions. She was not going to be the type to roll over and play dead. No, Talia was going to be a handful. Trisha smiled. She loved her brother and sister very much, and wanted the best for the both of them. She determined in her heart to do her best to protect them. She concluded that she was on her own. Somehow, she would have to find a way to protect herself and the children. She could not rely on Mom or anyone else to do it for her.

  After a short time, Mom reappeared with Harry’s empty plate and noticed that Trisha had not touched her food. She had no appetite and played with the fork on her plate.

  Mom asked, “What is the matter with you, girl? If you are not going to eat your food, then get up and go find something to do. There is school in the morning.”

  Mom’s tone drew Harry out of the bedroom. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge as if he was looking for something. Trisha quickly got up from the table, covered her plate with another plate and placed it on the stove. She ushered the kids past Harry and started to get them ready for bed. Once they settled, Trisha went back into the kitchen to clean up the table and to wash the dishes. It was clear to Trisha whose side Mom was on and it was not hers, so Trisha said nothing to her mother.

  Trisha suffered in silence for over three years. Harry made a pit stop at her bunk for his fix of teenage tenderloin every night once he got home. He always came home once he thought everyone was asleep. He got a kick out of touching her and making her feel dirty and guilty.

  He would say, “I know you like it, if you didn’t you would have told your mom. You like it, don’t you?” He would laugh, his breath stinking of alcohol, and then he would stumble off to his room. “Yeah, you like it,” he would say as he disappeared.

  Trisha slept at the front of the top bunk because her sister was too small and she feared her rolling off the bed. In Trisha’s mind, she could see the beating that Mom would put on her if Talia ever rolled off of the bed. Trisha remembered that not long ago, Antoine had a frightening experience with some gas. Antoine was the curious type. Trisha believed that the only question that replayed over in his mind was, “I wonder what would happen if I .…” He always seemed to be investigating something, always climbing, poking and prodding something. He was always so excited to report his findings to Trisha and Talia. He never listened when he was warned about touching stuff that he was told not to touch. Harry kept large gas containers around the house because his old jalopy kept running out of gas because the needle was not working and it needed to be fixed. Antoine was fascinated with the jugs because every day when he arrived home from school, the containers were twice the size that they were before he left for school. Trisha warned him to stay away from the containers, but in Antoine’s mind that was like telling bees not to make honey.

  As Trisha was preparing to wash the dishes, she poked her head outside to see what the kids were doing, and sure enough, Antoine was hovering over the containers.

  Trisha yelled at him, “Antoine, I’m not going to tell you again to leave those containers alone. When you do not listen, you will feel (and it’s usually painful). Okay, you can’t say that I did not warn you.”

  Antoine pretended to move away, but just as soon as Trisha had disappeared into the house, he was back trying to solve the mystery of the swollen containers.

  Trisha was busy washing the dishes when she heard “A-h-h-h.”

  Trisha dropped what she was doing and ran outside, only to find Talia standing frozen with her finger pointing Antoine’s direction. When Trisha looked in Antoine’s direction, he was also standing frozen with the cap from the gas container in his hand. Trisha took a closer look at Antoine because he looked rather strange. Upon closer examination of him, Trisha realized that his eyebrows were missing.

  Trisha said, “Antoine, what happened to your eyebrows? Still in shock, Antoine rubbed his hand over his face as if to check to see if there was something wrong with his brows; as he moved his hands across his face the skin on his face rubbed off like magic. Talia screamed, Trisha screamed, and Antoine screamed as he looked at the skin in his hand.

  Trisha said, “Oh my God,” as she grabbed him by the arm and ran inside. She continued, “You see, you do not listen. I told you to stay away from those containers. You do not ever listen.” By this time he had started to cry. “Shut up, man,” Trisha yelled as she desperately tried to dress him, Talia, and herself. “If you had listened to me when I told you to leave those jugs alone, you would not be in this mess.”

  “Trisha,” cried Talia, “what’s the matter with Antoine’s face?”

  “He got burned from the gas in the container because he does not listen.”

  “Is he going to be okay?”

  “Yes, he’ll be fine. We need to get to the hospital. Now, please get your shoes on, we need to go.”

  Talia quickly put on her tennis shoes and followed Trisha and Antoine out the door. Trisha put Antoine on her back and told him to hold on tight. He was still crying a little bit but he followed her instructions. She held Talia’s hand tightly and they ran down the street to their aunt’s house.

  When they arrived at Aunt Deze’s house, most of the skin on Antoine’s face had peeled off, only pink flesh remaining. Trisha told Aunt Deze what had happened and she took them to the local hospital. Once they arrived at the hospital, the trauma team took Antoine away while Trisha and Aunt Deze explained what happened to the authorities. Aunt Deze called Mom while Trisha and Talia waited in the waiting area. A short time later, Mom arrived and ran right up on Trisha and demanded to know what happened. Mom looked Trisha squarely in the eye. She was so close to Trisha that she could hardly get the words out.

  “I was in the kitchen washing the dishes and Antoine and Talia were outside playing when I heard Talia scream, so I ran out there to find that Antoine had opened one of Harry’s gas containers, and the hot air inside had burned his face. I told Antoine before I started to do the dishes to leave the containers alone, but he would not listen. So we ran by Aunt Deze’s, and she brought us here.” Mom continued to stare Trisha down, her lips quivered a little as if she wanted to say something but the words would not come out. Just then, a doctor emerged.

  “Ms. Murphy,” he said. “I’m Doctor Phillips.”

  “Yes, Doctor.”’ Mom replied. “How’s my son doing?”

  “He’s doing just fine, ma’am. He sustained first degree burns due to the hot gas that escaped when he opened the container. We have cleaned and dressed his face. He’ll have to wear the bandages for a few weeks until his skin grows back. Other than that, he’s just a bit shaken up from the ordeal. May I suggest that you find a more secure location to keep such things. Kid
s are curious and they can get into all sorts of mischief.” He gave Trisha a quick glance, and then said to Mom, ”As soon as the nurses are done with his dressing, he is free to leave.”

  “Thank you, Doctor,” Mom said.

  A few minutes later, Antoine appeared with a nurse. His face was completely bandaged except for his eyes and nose. He ran straight to Mom when he saw her. She bent to pick him up and hugged him. She asked him if he was okay, then Aunt Deze took them all home.

  They rode home in silence. Antoine stayed in Mom’s arms and Talia curled up beside Trisha, sucking a finger and nodding off to sleep. Trisha could not help but wonder what Mom was going to do to her for allowing this to happen. She should have been able to somehow wash the dishes and keep an eye on the kids. There was no excuse for what happened. It seemed like everything that went wrong in the house was her fault. She was so exhausted with that family of hers. Her life seemed to be spiraling out of control.

  The mental anguish was becoming unbearable for Trisha. Between dealing with Harry, Mom, the kids, and school, Trisha felt trapped with no way to escape her circumstances. She lost weight because she had no desire to eat, and she hardly slept. She became anxious at night, and she was a total mess on the nights that Mom had to work the late shift. It was summer, so she could not see her friend Eve. There was no one for her to talk to. Jackie and her family had not come for the family reunion that year, so she had not spoken to her since that day. Trisha often wondered if Jackie had said anything to her dad. Maybe she did and that was the reason why they had not returned. Trisha wished that Jackie had told her parents. If she did, maybe the nightmare that was her life would end because they would have called the police on Harry. If that happened, perhaps Trisha would have been able to stay with Jackie. She thought, It would be nice if I could stay with Jackie. Suddenly, Trisha felt so guilty. What kind of a sister am I, only thinking of myself? What would happen to Antoine and Talia if I went away? I cannot abandon them. We are family and we are in this mess together. Trisha was just shy of her seventeenth birthday, and she feared that the unthinkable would happen. Trisha told herself that if Harry went as far as to have sex with her, she would surely kill herself.